I’ll be in boyfriendville

Things I wish I could say to creepers.

I have a boyfriend, accept the fact that I don’t cheat on him and I would never consider it. No, not even with you. If that is something too hard for your brain to comprehend then stop talking to me.

You don’t care about me, so don’t pretend like you do. You are going a little bit too far just to get in a girls pants.

Stop.

Don’t tell me that you think about me naked.

Don’t say that you think my boyfriend is dumb. Clearly he’s not if he is dating me.

Don’t say things to me that you wouldn’t want another guy to say to YOUR girlfriend. (if you had one)

Don’t tell me that you want me.

Don’t touch my leg, my hand, or any part of me for that matter.

Don’t ask me personal questions that make me cringe

Don’t tell me how soft you think I am, I know I’m soft.

At first, I was flattered. But there is a slight chance we are letting this get out of hand, you are taking things too far. I’m glad you think I’m hot, my boyfriend of three years thinks so too. And yes, I am still attracted to him, stop asking me if I am.

 I promise there are other fish in the sea that are single and ready to mingle. mk?

I wouldn’t even be a good girl for you anyway, trust me. I’m so not your type, why can’t you see that? Fool.

Next time creeper asks me where I am my response will be…

“A place in Boyfriendville, you know just take Youarenevergoingtogetinmypants street down to I’mnotsingle way, turn left and I’ll be at Youdontstandachance which is right next to Blueballs Mall”

“See you there? Ok great, I’ll bring boyfriend”

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Tags: Relationship, Boyfriend, Dating, Creepy, Creeper, Flattered, Hot, Pants, Boys, Girls

Your mom goes to college and plays the DS too

42 reasons my mom rocks

1. She taught me how to read
2. She thinks the sun shines out my ass
3. She uses a Powerbook
4. She asks if she can borrow my Nintendo DS lite to play in her free time
5. She told me I was conceived in my grandma’s house
6. Unlike everyone else in my family, she is wonderful with direction
7. When we go out, we both get carded. In fact, she gets carded more than I do.
8. She tells me I’m pretty
9. She text messages me on a regular basis
10. When my back hurts, she cracks it for me
11. She goes to college and gets better grades than I do
12. When she laughs water comes out her eyes
13. One time she wouldn’t let me go to a pool party unless I brought a beach towel that matches my swim suit. She said, “You will look ridiculous if your towel doesn’t match!”
14. She supports every decision I make, because she taught me how to make good ones.
15. She adores my father unconditionally
16. She has the amazing ability to only get 3 hours of sleep and still be in a good mood the next day while looking beautiful. How? Trust me, I wish I knew.
17. She waxes my eyebrows
18. When I was a teenager she took my eminem cd put it in the bible and told me she was praying for him
19. As a child she always packed the BEST lunches
20. She took yoga class with me
21. She doesn’t like cats but bought two of them anyway because my sister and I wanted them
22. She laughs at my stories
23. She reads my blog
24. She could not tell a lie even if she tried
25. She read stories to me and my sisters every day when we were kids
26. She is unlike anyone you will ever meet
27. She thinks that Elvis Presely is still alive
28. This past winter when we had a snow day, she told me she had to go to the store to pick up snow day supplies. I thought she would meant hot chocolate but she came back with chips, salsa, and margarita mix
29. She can draw really really well
30. Sometimes she has a southern accent
31. When McDonalds was selling those teenie beanie babies she made sure my sisters and I all got them even though they would only give one out to every family at a time. She held up the line yelling at the manager until she got her way
32. Her sex advice is, “practice makes perfect!”
33. She is always late
34. On my 20th birthday she played in the snow with me
35. She had 3 children
36. She smiles a lot
37. She never thinks the worst of anyone
38. She buys me my favorite soup
39. She listens to same music as I do
40. She isn’t afraid to try new things
41. She always has time to listen to me
42. She has always been patient with me, even when I’m being a brat

I could go on, I could say that one time she threw a handful of marshmallows at me and said, “SNOWMAN POOP!” But I am not going to. Because if I don’t stop now this list might turn into 400 reasons my mom rocks.

P.S. If you are reading this, I love you.

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Tags: Mothers, Mom, Love, 42, Nintendo, Powerbook, Someecards, Daughter

You make me nervous so I really can’t eat

We’ve all been there, that first date. The one where you are so nervous you don’t feel like eating. Sometimes it’s so bad you literally can’t eat and food ends up everywhere but your mouth and if you are lucky enough to get it in your mouth swallowing becomes a task much more difficult then it should be.

The last thing in the world you want to happen while on a first date is look like a fool, too bad that is what you end up looking like with food smeared all over your face and clothes. On top of that you want to have conversation, it’s hard to do that with a mouth full of food, you end up allowing your date to see way more then he or she should.

Because of all of this I have concluded a simple resolution (to be used on first dates only)

Cute Foods

   Only order food that you know you will look adorable eating. Say no to messy foods such as large burgers and ribs. Instead order yourself some chicken fingers! Those always work out when trying to look cute. Pasta with smaller noodles (such as bowties) is always a winner too.

If you are having fruit don’t go for apples unless they are sliced. Instead eat blueberries, or grapes. Blueberries and grapes are a no fuss no mess fruit. if you want to appear a tad bit slutty eat a banana.

Salad might seem like a good option, but it’s not. Unless the salad has very tiny pieces of lettuce you will look like a horse chomping it down. This mistake is made often because we want to appear healthy on first dates.

Just remember to close your mouth while chewing and don’t take bites larger than your face. If you want to say something to your date (chances are you do) swallow what is in your mouth first, there is no rush. Try not to be too experimental either, you are nervous enough don’t try food you’ve never eaten before, chances are it will give you a stomach ache. One time my dearest older sister decided to eat octopus for the first time while on a first date. The octopus and her nerves made her stomach hurt so bad she eventually threw up…all over her date. True story. Needless to say they didn’t go out for a second date.

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Tags: Nervous, Date, Dating, Eating, Food, Cute, Barf, Blueberries, Grapes, Bananas, Horse, Salad, Chicken,

If math was a religion I’d be an atheist.

I should be in math class right now but I’m not. I am a super fantastic student, always doing my homework and never missing class. I don’t mean to toot my own horn but, teachers love me.

That being said it is kind of shocking I am absent from math class at this moment. I am not even good at math. Somehow I’ve managed to do so well in that class that I don’t even need to show up for the final and I’d pass with flying colors. Looks like I’m not studying for Mr. Math Final!

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Tags: Math, School, College, Student, Teacher, Finals, Tests, Calvin&Hobbs, Class, Homework, Religion, Atheist

Stop provoking me, this is going to end badly.

A gymnastics coaches blog.

30something year old lady I work with is going to get it. I have a strong urge to just attack her with a squirt gun. She acts like the gym we work is HERS and that everything in it belongs to HER. It doesn’t.

Last week while coaching a class I wanted to use a certain piece of equipment. There is a box located in the gym that holds equipment like this, all the coaches are suppose to make sure they put the equipment back in the box when finished. The thing I was looking for was not in the box, so I asked psycho lady where they were and she looked me right in the eyes and said she didn’t know.

SHE LIED! A little 8 year old girl ended up telling me that what I was looking for was hidden away in a LOCKED locker. Who hides stuff that isn’t theirs from other co-workers? Come on. Grow up. I never did anything like that to her (yet)

One time I brought myself some mandarin oranges, I love those little oranges. Those oranges were my dinner, apparently psycho was hungry because I caught her stuffing her face with every last orange I brought.

On top of this immature behavior she yells at me, she yells at me about the way I coach MY classes.

I don’t know how much longer I can handle being treated this way, especially by a grown woman. A grown woman who wears hot pink leotards to work with those shoes that have wheels in them….there is something wrong with her.

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Tags: 30something, Bat, Coach, gymnastics, Work, Co-worker, Immature, psycho, Coaching, Mandarin, Oranges, provoking, leotard,