Just for the record, I am a part time hypochondriac. I worry constantly that I may be sick with an un-curable disease. That being said you would think that going to the doctor would relieve me to some extent. That it would make me feel at ease when the doc tells me that I am in fact perfectly healthy.
It does not. I am terrible at doctor exams. The doctor will ask a question and I will say the worst possible answer. I am not just saying this, I have examples.
The eye doctor. Went in for an exam, all I had to do was tell the doctor which slide looked better, A or B. I couldn’t decide so I flipped the imaginary coin in my head and chose B. Then the doctor got complicated, by saying “which is better? B, C, or D?”
Me, “Um yea I don’t know, C and D were the same and now I can’t see B anymore sorry”
The doctor just smiled and went on, “which is better 1 or 2?”
Me, ” You are just showing me the same slide over and over aren’t you?”
Doctor, “Sometimes I reuse the same slide, yes. Which is better 2 or 1?”
Me, “2″ (When actually I didn’t like either one)
The confusing showing of burry slides goes on for quite some time then the doctor prescribed me glasses so thick even a blind man would see through them. When I wear the glasses they gave me the world looks huge and disproportioned, the result of all of this? I get a tummy ache whenever I wear those ridiculous glasses while my eyes look ten times their natural size. It’s super sexy. Why couldn’t I decide which slides I could see better?
A check up. You know the one where the doctor asks you all kinds of inappropriate questions while poking at your stomach and back with their icicle fingers? I try my best to answer these questions the best of my ability but the truth is, even though the questions are about MY body and MY lifestyle, I do not know the answers. I don’t look at my snot, therefore I do not know what color it is. I made it up and said green. Then I did something I wish I could take back…
The doctor asked me how many times I go number two in a day. Without thinking I blurted out, “About 6 times” SIX TIMES?!?! What was I thinking? I do not poop SIX times a day! Great now this doctor thinks I have a problem that I don’t have. She looked shocked and said, “Wow really?” I was embarrassed and did not want to tell her that I was just kidding. So I just gulped down and said, “Yea”
She suggested a new diet for me. Apparently it is unnatural to go number 2 six times a day. It’s a good thing I don’t.