For my birthday (which was on Tuesday the 20th, feel free to wish me happy birthdays) I got this letter,
I am writing you to wish you a happy birthday. I was hoping to be there for the celebration, but I am currently being held captive by an evil corporation. I have always dreamed of spending time with a beautiful woman like yourself. Since I cannot arrive on time (delayed flights are a bitch), I thought I would outline the time we will spend together.
I hope we start off really close. I want to feel your skin on the first date. I tend to be a little clingy and will follow you everywhere. We will sleep together and work together. I will keep you warm and comfortable. You can use me when you want,I will make you look good. I do an excellent job representing what you are proud of.
I hope your birthday is the best.
Your 2 Legged Friend
Attached to the letter was a present. I opened the present and it was a picture of some sweatpants from my school. Then I laughed out loud. I am glad the present wasn’t there because this letter was hilarious.